A scared, hollow shell of a girl wishes she was anywhere but here. ‘Here’ is a double disinfected table laid with a single low fat yoghurt, surrounded by anxious teenagers, sat across from a care assistant whose only known English word is ‘eat’, within a residential hospital unit in southern England, miles away from home. ‘Here’ is fear, loneliness, self-hatred, exhaustion, instability, depression, fragility, hopelessness. ‘Here’ is me just 4 years ago, in the depths of anorexia, where a Muller Light was scarier than the prospect of being pinned down to a hospital bed and force fed, and assuming this excuse for a childhood for the best part of 6 years.
Change is hard for everyone, but I would say particularly in those with eating disorders. This makes any periods of transition difficult, so it is important to support sufferers going through big milestones in life, such as moving house or starting university. These are the circumstances in which I had to deal with both anorexia and bulimia whilst managing change.
The trouble with depression is….It’s an illness, not a fleeting adjective.
As part of Depression Awareness Week, people have been sharing what living with depression is really like, using the hashtag #Whatyoudontsee .
This is a bit of a different blogging direction, but I am passionate about erasing the taboo of mental illness and value honesty and raising awareness.
So I decided to write a (fairly lengthy) post outlining my experience with eating disorders. I want to encourage others to do the same as I think accepting your past is the first step in changing your future.
I also believe that no one should be ashamed of their struggles, and I have worked too hard in recovery to not tell my story. So, here goes; let me know what you think in the comments!